Unexpected Confessions
by Garnet Seren
Summary: Updated Version: Inspired by Aria's Afterlife July Competition, which requested a crack pairing or group. My mind turned this into a girly night with the Normandy ladies making unexpected, inebriated, love life confessions. Rated M for Jack's profanity and coarse language! Please also be prepared for some awful mathematical inuendos!


The ladies of the Normandy, plus the newly 'appointed' Shadow Broker, sat squeezed onto Kasumi's bed in the Port Observation Lounge. It had been a tough call, between Shepard's larger bed and the thief's proximity to alcohol. Naturally, alcohol won.  
Shepard had to admit, despite all her accolades and the countless trials her life as a marine had thrown at her, right now, surrounded by the nine other women, and EDI's disembodied presence, she currently felt like a university student. What's more, she didn't care a bit. Who knew when they would be able to relax like this together again, even if they _would_ be able to again, with the mission against the collector base looming, and the ever present threat of the reapers.

Their evening had started sedately enough, well, as sedately as a room where both Miranda and Jack were within earshot of each other, with talk of weapon mods and biotic improvements, ship performances and upgrade potentials.  
EDI had been particularly vocal during this discussion, the AI seemingly enjoying bouncing ideas off everyone present, no doubt also conversing with Garrus, Joker and Donnelly in other areas of the ship, before announcing that she had 'extrapolated new variants to enhance drive core performance' with a decided note of glee in her synthesised voice.

As the alcohol flowed, their talk turned more girly as the other women decided it was 'high time to update the Commander on current trends', as Miranda had put it. So they had talked about the latest fashion, none of which appealed to Shepard's taste, the latest music, just more of that thumping techno beat all the clubs seemed to play, and the latest films.  
There had been strong debate about which would be this standard galactic year's biggest hit, the new Blasto: The Jellyfish Stings, Asari Confessions 26: True Blue or the newly announce extended director's cut of Fleet and Flotilla. The women had reached a consensus that the latter would most likely be the biggest hit, due to the success of the original.

It wasn't hard to see how a conversation about the decade's most epic romance film sparked a conversation about guys.  
There was speculation about Gabby's relationship with Ken, attempts to pry information from Miranda about her previous affair with Jacob, and, of course, there was particular scrutiny regarding Shepard's relationship with Thane, something she tried to be as discrete as possible about, and Liara's budding romance with Feron.  
However, it did come as a surprise to the Commander just how blunt the conversation turned, and also who instigated it.

"So, Sh…Shep…Shepard, and Liiiiiiiiara…" Tali slurred. "Was Fornax telling the truth about drell penises?"  
The quarian sagged slightly against the wall, her glowing eyes narrowed into thin slits as she regarded both Shepard and Liara in turn.

_'I was wondering when that damn article would be mentioned'_ Shepard thought.  
Refusing to rise her drunken friend's bait, she merely bit her bottom lip, trying hard to control the smile that threatened to spread across her face.  
The asari to her left, unfortunately, fell right into the trap.

"Goddess! Tali!" Liara laughed, "You can't ask something like that."

"Why the hell not, Blue?" Jack grinned. "We all know boss lady here is boning the assassin, also seems likely you're bracing eternity with skittles."

Shepard struggled to swallow her mouthful of Weeping Heart, the cocktail had become her signature drink over the past few months, thanks to Kasumi's insistence that she become acclimatised with drell venom, now the usually smooth martini was doing it's damn'est to choke her.  
_'Jack's language is going to be what kills me. Though at least she hasn't given Thane a nickname'_ she thought, ruefully.

"Skittles?" Liara asked.

The asari shot a questioning look at the Commander, and Shepard's eyes widened, as realisation dawned.  
_'Oh, Spirits, Jack you dirty…'  
_Her thought was cut short by a wave of uncontrollable giggles, that left her gasping for breath, clutching her sides and leaning against Tali, who sat to her right, in order to keep herself upright.

Miranda was the brave, albeit foolish, soul one who tried to answer Liara's question.  
"Skittles are brightly coloured sweets from Earth. I'm guessing because of Feron's multi-coloured scales…"  
The Cerberus operative trailed off, her eyes also widening in realisation, and glanced at Jack in a rare show of comradery.

"Fucking hell, about time!" Jack goaded. "So Blue, can you taste the rainbow?"  
The biotic's harsh bark of laughter was made rougher by the copious amounts she had drank of her disgusting mix of vodka, whiskey, bourbon and Tupari.

"Jack!" Gabby exclaimed.  
The engineer stared, opened mouthed, at the tattooed woman for a split second, before succumbing to a wave of hysterics. Her laughter was joined by that of Kelly, and the two women fell against each other, tears running down their faces as they tried, and failed, to regain their composure.

"What does that…" Liara began to ask, innocently.

_'Oh hell no'_ Shepard thought.  
"Don't ask," she interrupted, her tipsiness causing her to nearly shout. "Just, don't ask, Liara. For the love of all that is holy, don't ask."  
Liara stared at her in shock, but began to slowly nod, as if agreeing that it was best to stay ignorant.  
_'Thank the spirits'_ she thought.

"C-come on, Shhhepard, what does shhhe mean?" Tali asked.  
The quarian tried, and failed, to fit her straw into the opening of her mask.  
Taking pity on her bemused friend, Shepard leant over, holding the straw still whilst Tali aligned it with the opening.  
"Bosh'tet emergency induction port, needs more calibrations," Tali grumbled.

"Tali, it's a straw," Shepard told her, gently.  
It took more will power than she would like to admit, to try not to laugh at the younger woman's inebriated state.  
_'This might steer the conversation away from the current topic'_ she hoped.

"Emergency. Induction. Port," Tali overemphasised.  
Shepard smiled kindly as she cupped her hands over Tali's, helping to hold steady the quarian's glass of turian brandy whilst she finished the drink.

"I believe Jack is referring to Feron's taste, after his climax from oral sex," Samara stated, serene as ever.

_'Or not…'_ Shepard realised, before her brain caught up with who had just spoken.  
She, along with seven of the other eight women present, simply looked, in shock, at the asari Justicar.

"I would agree, that is the most logical assumption," EDI's pleasant voice intoned over the comm. system.

"I have to admit, I have often wonder the differences myself. Whether the different composites of amino acids would equate a different taste," Karin Chakwas stated.  
The doctor swirled the Serrice Ice Brandy, nonchalantly, around her glass as she spoke.

"They do," Kelly admitted.  
The yeoman sipped the pink, fruity concoction that filled her glass, completely unabashed.

_'Should have seen that one coming'_ Shepard thought.  
No one else seemed particularly surprised at the Yeoman's admission of first-hand knowledge either.  
"Kinky bitch," Jack chuckled.

"You know, before I came on board the Normandy, it was years since I had a close group of girls to hand out with," Kasumi chirped.  
There was murmurs of agreement from the rest of the women.

"Hell, before I met you all, I never _had_ a group of women to do this with," Shepard admitted.

"So, before us? You were a by-the-book marine?" Kelly asked.

"You evidently haven't read my file pre-alliance," Shepard laughed, shaking her head. "But I meant more that I didn't get the opportunity as a kid, and as a marine, well, apart from the makeup and being able to walk in heels, I was always 'one of the guys'."

A mischievous gleam came into Kasumi's hood-hidden eyes.  
"Well Shep, one thing my old group of friends used to do was something called 'question time', each girl gets to ask another a question, of any nature, and it must be answered."

Shepard raised her eyebrow at the thief, a smirk pulling at the corner of her mouth.  
"Alright, Miss Goto, I'll bite. Hit me with your best shot."  
_'Why do I feel I'm going to regret this?'_ she wondered.

"Ok, most embarrassing sex dream?" Kasumi grinned.

The alcohol the Commander had already consumed had sent a warm buzz through her body, not enough that she was drunk, but certainly enough not to be embarrassed by the topic of conversation.  
_'Oh, what the hell' _Shepard thought.  
"Erm, ok. Well, I recently had one about Garrus," she replied, calmly.  
_'Spirits, never let him find out about this'_ she had the sense to silently pleaded.

"SHEPARD!" Liara and Tali shouted in unison.

"Fuck! Does tall, green and scaly know about your smutty fantasies?" Jack leered.

_'Not a fan of that description'_ part of her mind thought. _'Oh hell, that came out wrong'_ the other half berated.  
"No, no… not like that," Shepard laughed.  
She waved her hands frantically, as if she could dispel the other women's thoughts with the gesture.  
"No, I dreamt I went to see him in the Main Battery, and when I got there, he was… um…"  
She paused, taking a breath, before practically spitting out the next five words as fast as she could. "Talking dirty to the Thanix."  
She bit her bottom lip, trying to control her smirk as raucous laughter erupted from the other women.

"Oh my god, I can see it now," Gabby huffed out, between laughs. "Yeah baby, you know I'm the only one who can calibrate you right."  
The engineer's normally fairly pale complexion was turning pinker the more she laughed.

"How about 'I have my sights on you, and I'm ready to pop my heat sink'?" Miranda asked.  
The operative almost pulled off her innocent tone, the smirk she was trying to control let her down, badly.

"I wish I were a derivative so I could lie tangent to your curves," EDI's voice stated.

There was completely stunned silence for a whole minute, before the giggles started, quickly turning into all out hysterics, and it was several minutes before the laughter began to die down.  
They were all left breathless and teary eyed. The human's cheeks flushed pink, the asari's flushed indigo and the purple mask of Tali's envirosuit seemed to have fogged up slightly.

"Actually his line was 'I could iterate over you all night long' but, yeah…" Shepard admitted, after she had finally composed herself enough to talk.

A wheezing sound came over a voice modulator, and Tali promptly fell off the bed.  
"Oh, Keelah," she mumbled.

With co-ordination she didn't realise she still had, Shepard swiftly hoisted Tali back onto the bed, whilst holding out her glass for Kasumi to refill with the next concoction.  
"Ok, moving on," she said. "Samara, any unexpected liaisons?"

"Aria T'Loak," the Justicar stated calmly.

"Holy shit," Jack muttered, sounding almost awed.

"Really?" Liara asked.  
The new shadow broker stared at the older asari, with unconcealed shock.  
"_The _Aria T'Loak? I thought your code would have prevented that."

"It was many cycles ago, in my maiden days," Samara explained. "She was just a dancer in Afterlife then, I was a member of the newly formed Eclipse Sisterhood at the time. It was a tumultuous affair that lasted a mere handful of decades, nothing serious."

_'Wow, that's classed as nothing serious' _Shepard thought.

Gabby gasped in surprise, echoing Shepard's own feelings.  
"Decades, that's… that's quite a long time," the engineer said.

"For a human, yes, but not for an asari. Think of it more in terms of your human months," the Justicar replied.

Kelly nodded, a look of serious concentration crossing her face.  
"That makes a lot of sense with your life expectancy."

"Indeed," Samara agreed.  
It seemed the Justicar considered the topic over, as she turned to the ship's doctor.  
"Karin, may I ask if you have had a similarly unexpected partner?" she asked.

The doctor laughed.  
"It's not quite a partner, but I did have one, extremely regrettable, blind date," Chakwas told them.

There was a chuckle from the Cerberus operative.  
"You surprise me, doctor," Miranda stated.

"Shut it, cheerleader, let the doc talk," Jack sneered.

Tactfully, Kasumi handed the two women a new drink each, distracting them from what would normally have been the start of a fight, and Shepard let out a barely audible sigh of relief.  
_'Thank the spirits'_ she praised.  
The last thing she wanted to do tonight was play referee to those two.

"Well, it's going back fifteen years," Chakwas began. "I was stationed aboard the SSV Fuji, we were docked at the Citadel for refuelling, and one of the engineers decided to step me up on a blind date with a 'charismatic politician who was rising in the ranks', as she called him."

Shepard paused in her action, glass raised half way to her lips, and raised an eyebrow.  
_'Oh, it can't be'_ she thought.  
"Spirits, don't tell me, it was…"

"Yes," Chakwas laughed. "None other than Donnell Udina,"

Shepard stared at her de facto mother figure for a split second, before she facepalmed, groaning.  
"Scarred. Scarred for life," she muttered.  
Her dramatics caused both Tali and Liara to giggle.

"Aaaaaaand?" Tali slurred.  
Her glowing eyes narrowed behind the purple mask, the way she normally would if she was concentrating on a complex algorithm.

"And nothing. Well, not with Udina. The horrible little weasel," the doctor replied.

"Ooo, _now_ we're talking," Kasumi quipped.  
The thief clasped her hands excitedly and her eyes glinted beneath her hood.  
_'Just what I was thinking'_ Shepard smiled to herself.

Chakwas chuckled but shook her head.  
"It was an utterly terrible date, if you could even call it that," the doctor explained, in an amused tone. "We met for drinks at an overly expensive bar on the Presidium, and he spent the entire evening talking about his plans for politic power. After an hour, I was seriously contemplating ways to knock the weasel unconscious. That was until a very strapping, young C-Sec officer approached where we sat are the bar."

"_This_ sounds interesting," Miranda grinned.

"Definitely," Liara agreed. "What was he like?"

"Oh, he was very pleasing on the eye," Chakwas admitted. "Broad shoulders, chiselled jaw, cropped blonde hair and the most amazing blue eyes."  
The doctor closed her eyes momentarily, smiling contently at the memory.  
_'I wonder if I look like that when I think about Thane'_ Shepard mused.  
"He must have seen how bored I was," the doctor continued. "Because without a moment's hesitation he was telling me how sorry he was that his shift had over run. He helped me down from my bar stool, placed my hand in the crook of his arm, and promised to take me to a 'wonderful little restaurant' that had just opened in one of the nearby wards, as a way of apology."

"How romantic," Kelly gushed, a dreamy look on her face.

"Did Udina say anything?" Miranda asked.

"Most likely: 'This is an Outrage!'" Shepard laughed.  
She punctuated her impression by slapping the bed, hard, which caused Tali to bounce slightly.

"Actually, you're not far wrong," Chakwas admitted, smiling. "However, Armando just turned to him, saying 'I'm sorry sir, but you seemed to have accosted my date, I'm sure yours won't be too late' and then led me out the bar without a backward glance."

"Hang on, Armando?" Shepard asked. "Not, Armando Bailey by any chance?"

"Why yes, I believe it was. Why, Commander?" the doctor replied.

Shepard grinned at the older woman.  
"Hell doc, I see him every time I go the Citadel. He's captain of the Zakera Ward precinct now," she explained.

"It is a small galaxy," Samara smiled.

"Cut the crap," Jack interjected. "What happened with C-Sec? Any handcuffs?"  
The biotic was practically bouncing on the bed with her knees as she waited for the juicy details.

"No, no handcuffs," Chakwas chuckled. "He did take me to dinner, which really was wonderful, followed by a night cap back at his apartment."

Shepard couldn't help but giggle when Tali _literally _squealed in delight. It was an extremely strange sound, as it distorted through the quarian's voice modulator.  
_'Still ridiculously cute though'_ Shepard thought.

"Keelah, you go doctor," Tali laughed. "So, Shhhepard, is this Bailey still good looking?"  
The quarian lolled her head against the Commander's shoulder as she spoke, and Shepard, in turn, rested her cheek on top of Tali's hood.

"Actually, yeah. He's pretty nice, in a rugged sort of way," Shepard admitted. "I'll introduce you next time we're on the Citadel."

Jack snorted.  
"Not like we can take your word for it," she dismissed.

"And why not?" Liara asked.  
The asari eyed the biotic, her eyes narrowing.  
_'I hope that's mock suspicion'_ Shepard thought.

"Because she's fucking a lizard, is why not," Jack retorted.

Shepard snapped back to sitting upright, barely avoiding knocking Tali off the bed, her mind warring with itself over whether to be outraged by biotic's slur or just brush it off as Jack being, well Jack.  
Before she could make up her mind though, Kelly was already speaking.

"Jack!" the yeoman admonished. "Drell are a beautiful, fascinating race. Thane, in particular, is a _very_ attractive and interesting representation of his race."  
_'Thank you Kelly'_ Shepard thought.

"Quit the insightful crap," Jack snarled. "We all know you're jealous the boss lady beat you to him."

Kelly put on her best faux-pout.  
"Only a little," she said.  
Shepard raised an eyebrow before responding with a half-heartedly thrown pillow of retaliation.  
_'Don't even think it, misses'_ she laughed to herself.  
The yeoman grinned in response.

"Don't worry Shep," Kasumi chirped. "We all know Thane's really into you, his eyes go all a flutter whenever he talks about you."

Shepard wasn't sure how to respond, and, not for the first time, she was thankful she was not the type of woman who blushed.  
To her relief, it seemed Chakwas sensed her floundering.  
"Now, I believe it is my turn to ask a question," the doctor said. "Tali, any embarrassing crushes you wish to share?"

At that, Kasumi reached over to top up the quarian's glass.  
_'Liquid incentive'_ Shepard laughed to herself.  
Tali mumbled something, too low for their translators to pick up.  
"I'm sorry Tali, but I didn't catch that," Liara informed, in a tone slightly too sweet to be completely sincere.

The quarian muttered something, only slightly louder, but still too quiet to hear.  
"No, still didn't get that," Miranda said, evidently trying to hold back a smile.

A third time, Tali spoke, but still inaudible to the other women.  
"For the love of god, spit it out woman," Gabby goaded her fellow engineer.

"Wrex!" Tali finally shouted. "Keelah! I used to have a crush on Wrex!"  
The admission was accompanied by wildly gesticulating hand movements that sloshed the newly replenished turian brandy out of her glass.

_'**That** was totally unexpected'_ Shepard thought.  
She exchanged a brief look with Liara, before they promptly fell into each other laughing.  
"If anyone from the old days, I'd have guessed Adams, never Wrex," Shepard finally managed to say, between heaving breathes.

"Goddess, Tali. You certainly make it hard on yourself," Liara giggled.

"Bosh'tets," Tali grumbled.  
Chakwas reached over and patted the quarian, reassuringly, on the hand, and Shepard felt a small pang of guilt that she was finding the idea so funny.

"Who's Wrex?" Kasumi asked.

"He was our resident krogan back on the SR1," Shepard explained.

"Dirty bitch," Jack whooped.  
_'She is far too happy about this'_ Shepard thought.

Tali cough, embarrassed.  
"EDI," she called, trying to deflect attention from herself. "If you could, which of the guys on board would you chose?"

There was a tangible pause of silence before the AI answered.  
"Legion would be the most logical choice," EDI's pleasant voice intoned. "However, I would chose all of them, I enjoy the sight of organics on their knees."

_'I'm never going to get that image out of my head'_ Shepard realised.  
Before she was overcome by a fit of uncontrollable giggles, and the room was filled with clamorous laughter.


End file.
